Batman

(c) 'Batman' is a registered trademark of DC Comics

Why Batman?
     I have loved Batman since I was a little kid. I grew up on comic books, the campy Batman with Adam West, and Super Friends. Now I am one of the most joy-filled people you'll ever meet - but as a child I grew up in a violent and abusive home. The best thing I could do in our house was be quiet and stay off the radar. So, that led to lots of reading and comic books were cheap - my parents didn't mind buying those or my allowance could pay for them.  However, I needed more than just to be invisible. I needed a world outside of my world and comics - especially Batman Comics - provided it.
     Batman protected innocent people and brought justice to the bullies and abusive elements in Gotham. He was one of the first fictional characters to use a computer. He was strong and funny, but he had pain in his own life - and knew what I felt like when I was sad. Best of all - he didn't get this way through some freak accident or alien lineage. Batman CHOSE to be Batman - and trained his mind and his body in order to serve others.  He also dated really attractive women (a fact not lost on me during my teenage/college years).  My family didn't go to church or ever talk about religion. Thus, the Super Friends became the saints of my young age. When my world was full of fear and hurt their world brought me light and hope. Thank God for them.

Where would we eat?
   The Boathouse at Rocketts Landing.  Alfred would make all the arrangements and rent the entire rooftop restaurant overlooking the lake for us. That way, Batman could swoop in and out and not have to deal with the Maitre d'. 

What would I wear? 
    I wish the weather were warmer so I could wear shorts and he could see my bat symbol tattoo -- but its still a little chilly for that. I'd probably wear black dockers, and a grey knit sweater with a Batman T-shirt underneath just in case he asked me to go fight some crime later. I'd keep a mask in my pocket too. You know - just in case.

What would I order?
       I would offer to split a gourmet pizza -- since you never know when he is going to get called away - he could take a piece with him as he went.  I would suggest their SSPM (sausage, salami, pepperoni, mushroom), and he would say he wanted the Vegan Pesto.  We would compromise and get a Pear and Gorgonzola.

What would I say to him?
    1.   I would tell how completely awesome he is now, was in the past, and always will be.  I think I would go into some sort of celebrity-freak-out-stunned-into-rambling-nonsense-then-silence spell and stare at the table a lot. Then look at him. Then the table.  Then those amazing arm muscles...oh...no...he sees me staring...look at the table...then realize I'm not saying anything....then under pressure for sound say..."Wow, your ears are sooo sharp and pointy!" Then I would want to die. He would chuckle, and we would both calm down.

     2. I would mention the "Death of Bruce Wayne" episode that mirrored the book "Goodnight Moon" with Bruce bidding all the Bat-family, Batcave, Alfred, etc goodbye made me cry so hard that I had to hold the comic with my arm outstretched because I was going to get tears on the book.  I'd tell him I was glad the Lazarus Pit raised him from the dead because I never really bought Dick Greyson as the new Batman. (I would work hard not to mention that Damien, his love child with Talia who is the new Robin is a total jerk, and he clearly needed a strong male parent figure other than his grandfather - the insane Ra's A Ghul.).  Then we would talk about the fact life and death play a huge part in Batman's world, but life always wins out -- which is why he will not just kill the Joker, even though sometimes we all wish he would.

     3.  I would ask him for a ride in the Batmobile and to look at the engine.  After a scowl and a very awkward silence, I would tell him I thought that it was very cool how he was able to combine human knowledge, spiritual and physical transformation and technology into a single working system. He would let me hold one of his Batarangs for a moment. It's heavier than it looks. Then, he would make me give it back.

 What would he say to me?
1.   He would tell me that Alfred makes one of the best Key Lime Pies in the whole world and I should ask him for a piece some time.

 2.  He would remind me that he doesn't have all those muscles because he's rich. He has them because he is disciplined and he works for them. Then he would ask how my diet and exercise is going. I would tell him I'm doing okay, mostly because I live in fear of Jillian Michaels. He would lower his voice and say, "She scares me too."  He would encourage me to keep working at it - because a promise to someone you love - whether its his parents, or my wife, is worth keeping. 

3.   He would confirm that he really loved Talia. Vicky Vale was just a star infatuation and his feelings for Catwoman are over-exaggerated in the media and largely just a case of professional respect - but confess that Halle Berry made one fine Catwoman. I'd agree.

Topics of conversation I would avoid?
   Frederic Wertham and the Comics Code Authority, The fact he's been through 4 Robins,  Joel Schumaker-Batman Forever, George Clooney, and the word "nipples".

Topics of conversation he would avoid?
     Every topic possible.  He's just not talky.

Who would pay?
     Since he mentioned Key Lime Pie, I would order a piece from the waiter. When I turned to see what he would like, he'd be gone; sticking me with the bill. I would be really ticked off considering the difference in salary and benefits offered by Wayne Enterprises as opposed to the Williamsburg AIDS Network.But, then the waiter would bring the pie with small note that said, "Lunch has been covered. B."  and I would feel better.

Last thing I would want to say to him?
     "Thank you. For everything."

Last thing he would say to me?
   Not a darn thing.  Batman never says goodbye. Which is good. It means he is always going to be there.

Join me on Wednesday when my lunch guest will be Rita Moreno