Batman

(c) 'Batman' is a registered trademark of DC Comics

Why Batman?
     I have loved Batman since I was a little kid. I grew up on comic books, the campy Batman with Adam West, and Super Friends. Now I am one of the most joy-filled people you'll ever meet - but as a child I grew up in a violent and abusive home. The best thing I could do in our house was be quiet and stay off the radar. So, that led to lots of reading and comic books were cheap - my parents didn't mind buying those or my allowance could pay for them.  However, I needed more than just to be invisible. I needed a world outside of my world and comics - especially Batman Comics - provided it.
     Batman protected innocent people and brought justice to the bullies and abusive elements in Gotham. He was one of the first fictional characters to use a computer. He was strong and funny, but he had pain in his own life - and knew what I felt like when I was sad. Best of all - he didn't get this way through some freak accident or alien lineage. Batman CHOSE to be Batman - and trained his mind and his body in order to serve others.  He also dated really attractive women (a fact not lost on me during my teenage/college years).  My family didn't go to church or ever talk about religion. Thus, the Super Friends became the saints of my young age. When my world was full of fear and hurt their world brought me light and hope. Thank God for them.

Where would we eat?
   The Boathouse at Rocketts Landing.  Alfred would make all the arrangements and rent the entire rooftop restaurant overlooking the lake for us. That way, Batman could swoop in and out and not have to deal with the Maitre d'. 

What would I wear? 
    I wish the weather were warmer so I could wear shorts and he could see my bat symbol tattoo -- but its still a little chilly for that. I'd probably wear black dockers, and a grey knit sweater with a Batman T-shirt underneath just in case he asked me to go fight some crime later. I'd keep a mask in my pocket too. You know - just in case.

What would I order?
       I would offer to split a gourmet pizza -- since you never know when he is going to get called away - he could take a piece with him as he went.  I would suggest their SSPM (sausage, salami, pepperoni, mushroom), and he would say he wanted the Vegan Pesto.  We would compromise and get a Pear and Gorgonzola.

What would I say to him?
    1.   I would tell how completely awesome he is now, was in the past, and always will be.  I think I would go into some sort of celebrity-freak-out-stunned-into-rambling-nonsense-then-silence spell and stare at the table a lot. Then look at him. Then the table.  Then those amazing arm muscles...oh...no...he sees me staring...look at the table...then realize I'm not saying anything....then under pressure for sound say..."Wow, your ears are sooo sharp and pointy!" Then I would want to die. He would chuckle, and we would both calm down.

     2. I would mention the "Death of Bruce Wayne" episode that mirrored the book "Goodnight Moon" with Bruce bidding all the Bat-family, Batcave, Alfred, etc goodbye made me cry so hard that I had to hold the comic with my arm outstretched because I was going to get tears on the book.  I'd tell him I was glad the Lazarus Pit raised him from the dead because I never really bought Dick Greyson as the new Batman. (I would work hard not to mention that Damien, his love child with Talia who is the new Robin is a total jerk, and he clearly needed a strong male parent figure other than his grandfather - the insane Ra's A Ghul.).  Then we would talk about the fact life and death play a huge part in Batman's world, but life always wins out -- which is why he will not just kill the Joker, even though sometimes we all wish he would.

     3.  I would ask him for a ride in the Batmobile and to look at the engine.  After a scowl and a very awkward silence, I would tell him I thought that it was very cool how he was able to combine human knowledge, spiritual and physical transformation and technology into a single working system. He would let me hold one of his Batarangs for a moment. It's heavier than it looks. Then, he would make me give it back.

 What would he say to me?
1.   He would tell me that Alfred makes one of the best Key Lime Pies in the whole world and I should ask him for a piece some time.

 2.  He would remind me that he doesn't have all those muscles because he's rich. He has them because he is disciplined and he works for them. Then he would ask how my diet and exercise is going. I would tell him I'm doing okay, mostly because I live in fear of Jillian Michaels. He would lower his voice and say, "She scares me too."  He would encourage me to keep working at it - because a promise to someone you love - whether its his parents, or my wife, is worth keeping. 

3.   He would confirm that he really loved Talia. Vicky Vale was just a star infatuation and his feelings for Catwoman are over-exaggerated in the media and largely just a case of professional respect - but confess that Halle Berry made one fine Catwoman. I'd agree.

Topics of conversation I would avoid?
   Frederic Wertham and the Comics Code Authority, The fact he's been through 4 Robins,  Joel Schumaker-Batman Forever, George Clooney, and the word "nipples".

Topics of conversation he would avoid?
     Every topic possible.  He's just not talky.

Who would pay?
     Since he mentioned Key Lime Pie, I would order a piece from the waiter. When I turned to see what he would like, he'd be gone; sticking me with the bill. I would be really ticked off considering the difference in salary and benefits offered by Wayne Enterprises as opposed to the Williamsburg AIDS Network.But, then the waiter would bring the pie with small note that said, "Lunch has been covered. B."  and I would feel better.

Last thing I would want to say to him?
     "Thank you. For everything."

Last thing he would say to me?
   Not a darn thing.  Batman never says goodbye. Which is good. It means he is always going to be there.

Join me on Wednesday when my lunch guest will be Rita Moreno

Batman's Regrets.

Dear Kellie,

Batman was very sad not to be able to have lunch with you this Wednesday. He was unavoidably detained fighting crime.  He looks forward to meeting you this Saturday for lunch.


Yours Most Sincerely,
Alfred Pennyworth. Esq.

Rachael Ray

Photo take from http://www.moderndogmagazine.com

Why Rachael Ray?
     I love Rachael Ray so much we can't even say her name in our house because when we hear it we all start salivating and running around the kitchen in circles. (Well, me and the dogs, not Cathy). I started watching her TV show when we were packing up the house to move to Virginia. It was a great escape from the reality of putting our whole lives in boxes and preparing to leave everything we knew behind. There's a certain point in her show where she has "Rachael Ray Snack Time" and she gives the audience a snack. So - I starting giving our beagles a milk bone (and myself a cookie) and saying out loud, "It's Rachael Ray Snack Time".  Well, that stuck.  Now the beagles think Rachael Ray is the way we say Milk Bone and if we say her name - they all run to the kitchen (and I want a cookie).  So - in our house we call her RR.

I have several 30 minute meal books and know many of her recipes (including my beloved "Sloppy Joaquins") by heart.  I used to get her magazine (until last year when I was forced to decide getting a monthly magazine about food was not helping my weight loss journey) and I use her cookware, knives and bowls.  Someday she may want those back....anyway.....Who wouldn't like Rachael Ray - she's fun, she's down-to-earth, and she's talented. Best of all - she makes things easy. 

Where would we eat?
   Rachel's fun, no-fuss and casual demeanor would make me pretty comfortable. She also likes sandwiches (which she calls "sammies") a lot. So I think we'd go to Firehouse Subs - its a fun, casual place.  Because she loves dessert but claims she can't make them-- we would drop by Babycakes Bakery on Cary Street for some awesome cupcakes.

What would I wear? 
    It snowed again today, so most likely jeans, my Pittsburgh Steeler hoodie and sneakers. That's one of the nice things about RR - she's "come as you are". 

What would I order?
       At Firehouse - I would order the Smokehouse Beef and Cheddar Brisket on Wheat, Baked Lays and a Pepsi (or coke - whatever is brown and carbonated).  At Babycakes...I would have a cocoa mint cupcake with mint buttercream frosting. 

What would I ask her or say to her?
    1.   I would tell her thanks for making cooking such an easy thing. Her recipes helped me branch out from the "same 6 recipes" my mother taught me because they were so easy to do.  Julia Child type cookbooks were always too advanced, and Martha Stewart gives me the creeps (I truly believe her pine cone table displays may be one of the signs of the apocalypse) - but Rachael's style and ease made adventurous cooking a breeze.

     2.  I would comment on her charity work - both the "Yum-O" foundation which feeds hungry kids and works to teach families how to eat and relate to food in a healthy way - and her "Rachael's Rescue" which works to help pets and is funded by her line of dog food and snacks. I would work really hard not to mention "Milk Bone" during the discussion.

     3.  I would ask how she deals with all her critics. Whether its people making fun of her super-perky happy attitude, or noted food critics who constantly deride her simple style and the fact she uses words like "pinch, half a palm-full, chunk or slab" instead of measurements, or criticism that she's just another Oprah-sponsored fame hound like Dr. Phil - a lot of people criticise her. Yet, her interviews and work remain positive and productive.

 What would she ask or say to me?


1.   She would get very serious, put her hand on her chin, mist over and say, "People make fun of me? Really?" and look down.  I would feel horrible for bringing it up and offer her a handful of Baked Lays as comfort.  Then she would laugh and say "GOTCHA!"  and I would take my chips back.  I think she'd tell me there wasn't anything wrong with being happy - and maybe we don't place enough attention or value on the good things in life.

 2.  I think she'd affirm that when it comes to dealing with other chefs, critics and media personalities that all she can be is herself. She frequently comments she has no formal cooking training and doesn't try to be anything she's not.  If people don't like who she is or they way she does things - they can go their own way. Being genuine is a key to a happy and healthy life.

3.   I think she would mention the fine line she walks between comfort food and healthy food. In a country struggling with obesity, she's very conscious of the need to eat healthier and use snacks as "occasional" - not the every day stuff of life. Balance is a key in her cooking and view of food and helps us all the enjoy the best of health, and the infrequent but amazing pulled-pork sammie.

Topics of conversation I would avoid?
   Dunkin Donuts, Anthony Bourdain, the fact I have never in my life been able to make a 30 minute meal in 30 minutes.

Topics of conversation she would avoid?
     The fact I keep drooling and looking for cookies every time her name is mentioned or the day I nearly hacked off a limb trying to use the Rachael Ray Knife Sharpener because I was holding it upside down. 

Who would pay?
      We would arm wrestle for the check. I'm not gonna tell you who would win - but lets just say - I'm stronger than I look.  At Babycakes, she would hold my box of take-home cupcakes and let me pay.

Last thing I would say to her?
     "Thanks for affirming the power of joy."

Last this she would say to me?
     "I snuck the cupcakes out of your box while you were paying. Enjoy your empty wrappers!"

Join me on Wednesday when my lunch guest will be Batman.  (yes, really. Batman).

Nicole Kidman

Image taken from: http://img.wallpaperstock.net:81/nicole-kidman

 Why Nicole?
     Cathy and I were walking through a grocery store one day when "Sweet Thing" by Keith Urban came on the overhead speaker and I began to sing along. I turned to Cathy all smiles and said, "I like Keith Urban." To which Cathy laughed loudly, rolled her eyes and said, "You like Keith Urban's wife!".   And who doesn't?! There are a million reasons to like Nicole Kidman. She's smart, sexy, funny, and in interviews & life seemingly very real and down to earth.  I liked her long before she was married to Keith Urban - because her performances had such talent and passion. The first movie I saw her in was "Flirting" when she and Naomi Watts (note to self: schedule future lunch date with Naomi Watts) were just starting out. I knew I was always going to love her in the movies after "To Die For" - her comedic, interesting turn as the narcissistic weather girl Suzanne Stone. She takes risks with her movies - has a range from serious drama (The Hours) to comedy (Bewitched), musicals (Moulin Rouge! and Nine) and she starred in a Batman movie (Batman Forever). She has a reputation for speaking plainly but truthfully. Her famous comment after filming the notoriously troubled "Stepford Wives" was "It is a comedy, we hope."  Best of all - she is the goodwill ambassador for UNIFEM (Now UN Women) and tirelessly advocates for the rights of women internationally - focusing on the issue of violence against women.

For the above picture I tried to find one that was just a natural/every-day shot - but she looked more glamorous in each picture I came across so I picked that one. We will just have to accept her hotness for what it is.

Where would we eat?
    I think we should go some place classy, but out of the way. She reportedly hates sun and is very shy so a dark, quiet venue would be nice.  We would go to the Old Original Bookbinders downtown.

What would I wear? 
    Still cold, and possibly snowing - A pair of black slacks, blouse and over-sweater would do nicely. I'd make sure to polish my usually smudgy glasses so I could actually make eye contact with her.

What would I order?
       I would order the Jumbo Lump Crab Cake (served with remoulade and Chinese pepper sauce), a Caesar salad to push around while we waited for the entree, and a glass of Whitehaven, Sauvignon Blanc from Australia just to honor her home country. I would decline desert - as Nicole doesn't look like she gets to eat many goodies on her diet.

What would I ask her or say to her?

1.      I would tell her I'm sorry to hear about the horrible flooding in Australia and all the loss and sorrow it has caused.  I'd mention her work for UNIFEM and how important it is for women with her status to speak out for women with no status.
2.      I would tell her that she is number 2 on my all time list of Batman's girlfriends (Kim Basinger as Vicky Vale being number 1) - and work really hard not to mention Katie Holmes was one of Batman's girlfriends -- not just because it would be rude to Nicole -but because I really try to block out her presence and horrible acting in that movie altogether. I'd also mention "The Hours" is a movie that reached to me in ways movies normally don't and brought Virginia Wolfe out of the 2 dimensional pages of a history book and into the world of my understanding. (I'd also mention I loved that fake nose and ask her what happened to it).
3.      I would tell her that "Birth" was the creepiest movie I had ever seen in my life and it traumatized me, and "Dogville" gave me a nervous twitch that lasted through a weekend - but would affirm that they were both risks and even when a risk doesn't work its worth taking. I would also note I was very sorry the rest of "His Dark Materials" trilogy wasn't made because she was awesome and scary as Mrs. Coulter.

 What would she ask or say to me?

1.      She would tell me through her adorable accent, in the most classy way possible, that while I was staring at her I managed to drop a significant amount of crab cake on my sweater and I should probably rinse it in cold water when I got home.
2.      She would talk about her trip to Haiti after the earthquake and describe the devastation she saw there in the lives of women and girls. She would talk about her many UNIFEM experiences and how important it is for all women to make a stand for one another, no matter what our station or whereabouts.  Even the waitress would be touched and wipe a tear away from her eye as she brought the desert menu.
3.      I think she would affirm that taking risks isn't just part of acting - its part of life. She dropped out of high school at 17 and took a job as a massage therapist to help her family because her mom was being treated for breast cancer. She accepted movies that set her against type to grow and learn new things. She loved and lost and loved again - understanding that risk is an essential element to joy. I think she would be quite inspiring.

Topics of conversation I would avoid?
      Tom Cruise - I'd even avoid the words - such as not saying the phrases  "Have you heard, Pakistan has a cruise missile" or "I rarely think about Tomorrow."  I'd probably even avoid tomatoes in my salad. 

Topics of conversation she would avoid?
     Tom Cruise. (she doesn't seem to want to talk about him any more than the rest of us).

Who would pay?
      She would. I'd offer to split it and she'd say, "Nonsense. I made 12 million for a 3 minute commercial for Chanel #5, and you ...well....you...collect comics."  I would reluctantly agree but be very thankful. 

Last thing I would say to her?
    "Stay Classy, Nicole."

Last this she would say to me?
     "Don't forget to wash out that sweater. Just a little cold water and gentle soap - that should do the trick."

Join me on Saturday when my lunch guest will be Rachel Ray

Jillian Michaels

(Jillian Michaels photo taken from http://www-deadline-com.vimg.net, 12/2010.)

Why Jillian?
      It seemed a smart thing to start with Jillian because she sorta lives in my head all the time.  Other than Cathy, Jillian has been the main source of information and inspiration (and perspiration!) in my health transformation journey that started December 2009 and continues today.  I like Jillian's approach because it is real, tough, and stresses personal responsibility and individual ability to achieve.  She also scares the crap out of me.  That's a good thing - because when I am whining about not wanting to do exercise - I don't need someone to hold my hand and listen politely.  I need someone to kick my booty and get me up there.

Where would we eat?
    Some place healthy with organic-type foods. Lots of salad options and dishes made with chickens who were raised as someone's pet and only feed specially prepared organic chicken feed.  Probably -  Urban Farmhouse Market and Cafe.

What would I wear? 
    Fortunately, its January so I could wear a bulky sweatshirt with a polo shirt under it to keep Jillian from seeing my actual body as much as possible. Jeans, a baseball hat, and sneakers - because she might make me run around the parking lot or something.

What would I order?
       I would order some kind of organic rice cake, raw broccoli and a glass of water with lots of lemon. I would call it "the usual".  When it arrived I would say, "I eat this way all the time, Jillian. I don't know why I'm overweight!"  I would eat the rice cake, push the broccoli around my plate so it looked like I ate it, and turn the water into lemonade, adding some Truvia for sweetness.

What would I ask her or say to her?

1.      I would ask her which she enjoyed more - running with people, or standing on top of them while they do push ups?  I would tell her how much I enjoy watching her climb treadmills while people are hanging on for dear life and then hitting the speed button. 
2.      I would tell her how motivating it is to imagine her calling me "poodle" when I try to lower the incline on the treadmill (making a conscious effort not to call it the "dreadmill"). 
3.      I would encourage her to keep up the message of personal responsibility - in exercise and in life. Its refreshing to see someone get off the blame train and encourage others to do the same.

 What would she ask or say to me?

1.      She would look at my lunch and say, "You know - the only one you're fooling is yourself. I saw the Reese's wrappers in your car and I think you have a handful of Nilla wafers in your pocket right now."  I would tell her I was nervous, that's all.  She would then point to my broccoli and tell me to eat it.
2.      She would affirm the fact I chose to control my health through diet and exercise instead of medication and would probably be very happy with my doctor who offered that choice and monitors me.
3.      She would encourage me to realize that chasing the dog to get my sock back may be exercise but it is not a "workout" and should not count as my daily activity. Neither is getting the mail. Especially when I ride the lawnmower to the mailbox.  She would encourage me to remove the false messages about diet, weight, and health from my life and pursue what is real and good.

Topics of conversation I would avoid?
      Diet pills, the L.A. Times, my undying love for bacon

Topics of conversation she would avoid?
      None. Have you ever known her to hold back on anything?

Who would pay?
      We'd split it. Personal responsibility all the way. (besides, how much can a rice cake cost?).

Last thing I would say to her?
     "You make a difference."

Last this she would say to me?
     "I want to see you RUNNING to that car, Poodle!"

 Join me next time when my lunch date will be:   Nicole Kidman